Q & A: How to Explain the Choice to Identify as a Non-Monogamous Couple

Disclaimer: all answers given here are the opinions of one person. There is no one correct way to “do” poly, nor is there one correct way to conceptualize it.

Q: With our open relationship status we are free to date, sleep with, fall in love with whoever we want but we both work full time and its hard to find time to meet new people, especially ones who would be open to a poly relationship. We’ve tried swing parties and online dating to no avail. We have kind of realized that we have to let things happen naturally and it may take a long time to find someone who would be a perfect fit for an additional partner for either of us or for a third in our relationship, which, although is frustrating sometimes, it’s ok because we don’t want to rush anything and we want it to feel right when it happens but my question is: When we tell friends, family, acquaintances that we are in an open relationship but they see we have been going strong for a year but we don’t do that much dating and we don’t have a third person in our relationship, they often say “Well why don’t you just be monogamous then?” Which either leads to me trying to explain Third wave feminism, patriarchy, the messed up-ness of “Ownership” of a person and all sorts of other complicated ideals that I may not be in the mood to explain and a lot of the time I end up getting tongue tied but I still want them to understand all of those things. So, like, is there a nice, easy reply to that question?

A: First of all, I can relate a lot to your situation. My husband and I spent around 7 months as “just us” in-between the time I dated my ex-boyfriend and began dating my boyfriend, and we still absolutely considered our relationship polyamorous in that time. I wasn’t one for actively seeking another partner myself, and was content to wait for it to happen naturally. But it was still extremely important to us to identify as poly, and would have remained important even if it had been years before someone new came along.

I think perhaps the easiest way to explain it to others is to remind them that monogamy means a commitment to only be romantically and/or sexually involved with one person. If a couple enters a relationship and decides to be monogamous, they don’t just mean “until one of us meets someone else.” To people who desire monogamy, that commitment is a huge deal. And it carries with it a whole big set of well-known expectations about what is and is not appropriate to do with others outside of the relationship.

You, on the other hand, are in a relationship where you have chosen not to commit to monogamy. It doesn’t matter if it’s just the two of you for a long time to come; you still value your freedom to potentially connect with others romantically. Monogamy is incredibly meaningful to those who prefer it, and it shouldn’t be viewed as something to enter into lightly, and I doubt most defenders of monogamy would want to see the word being used by folks who would not mean it as “we are committed to the institution of monogamy” but rather as “we’re monogamous until we meet someone else.” To me, the notion that a relationship can be “monogamous by default” makes about as much sense as saying that someone should identify as asexual while they’re temporarily single. These labels are far more about the potentials we see in the long-term than they are mere descriptors of a relationship’s current form.

If you happen to be having a conversation where it feels like it makes sense to elaborate on your deeper polyamorous ideology–to talk about your ideas about feminism and “ownership” and how this all relates to your relationship philosophy–it can be great to open up dialogues about those things. But you shouldn’t feel that you have to go on at length about why you’re non-monogamous in order to assert the fact that you are non-monogamous. In situations where it feels more comfortable to keep it brief, I think it’s pretty concise and clear to simply say “Being monogamous means being committed to only being with one partner. We’re polyamorous (or open, if you prefer), because we’re committed to having the freedom to be with other partners.”

There might always be some small number of people who think that you’re just trying to identify in some “edgy” way, even after you offer an explanation. But you can’t always control others’ perceptions of you–especially in non-traditional relationships!–and trying to do so will often lead to more frustration than its worth. Explain yourselves the best you can, but don’t feel pressured to bend over backward trying to make it clear to people who still don’t understand. The two of you are on the same page about what kind of relationship you have, and that’s ultimately the most important thing.

3 thoughts on “Q & A: How to Explain the Choice to Identify as a Non-Monogamous Couple

  1. Pingback: I asked a fellow WordPress blogger a question about non-monogamy and she answered! | The Fucket List

  2. Confused

    Hi, i read your piece on salon and feel very confused. On the one hand I can relate to you completely when you talk about one’s capacity to love more than one person at a time. I feel the same way about my husband and my male friends. I think all people are very special and have attractive personalities that are unique to them. However I would not consider leaving my monogamous marriage because of this. Loving one person and having desires to suit ones needs are very different things. To me it seems that your polygamy was constructed at least initially to suit your needs. Surely there was something with your husband or you monogamous marriage that did not give you a sense of contentment, hence your mind was on a look out when you interacted with people of different sex. I just think that there should be clear distinctions between love and desire, which people often confuse. We are broght up understanding that desire, attachment and lust are love, when true love is something unconditional. For me the key metric to look at when having relationships with multiple people is if anyone is being hurt – whether that is the partners wife, girlfriend etc. In your case it seems that you have made a good arrangement so no one is hurt or upset and there is a sense of respect. I do feel that your polygamy came out of your needs as opposed to your love for many men at the same time. Because if ones love is so great and selfless, why not serve your community, neighbors, other kids, homeless? I hope you will help me clarify my confusion. Thank you

    1. Angi Post author

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      If you’re going to ask “why love multiple partners instead of giving love to a community?,” I could just as easily ask why someone shares intimate love and builds a partnership with one person rather than giving that love to a community. They’re simply two different things, and falling in love with someone and choosing to build a life with them is not the same kind of love as that which is expressed toward a broader community. I am deeply in love with and sharing my life with two men, not because my relationship with either is lacking, but because I am truly, fully in love with them both.


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